Sunday, June 30, 2013

How I got married to Suprabha

It was mid 2010 and I was 28 years old, that my parents decided it was time for me to get married. Search was mainly through references of relatives and friends in the community. We thought it would be a fairly easy task, as I was well qualified (BE & MBA from premier institutes), father is an established businessman, heading a respected middle-class family, father and brother are well connected in the local community. Everyone assured that they will work on getting me married.

Response was not very good to our liking. Many drawbacks of mine were cited as reasons for not considering me. Not smart, not handsome, bald head, not tall, don't speak well were all acceptable to me. But the following 3 reasons were very difficult to accept -
  • Living in Puttur. It is perceived that if someone is living in a smaller town in native place, he hasn't had a choice of working somewhere else and hence not successful. If the girl has studied (mostly Engineering), then she won't have an option to take up a job in big software companies, limiting her career prospects. While I think, if the girl is smart enough, she can work on our business. Our business provides an individual with any talent an opportunity to apply it. Or in this highly connected world, she can create her own opportunities. Unfortunately, most weren't as smart as they thought they were.
  • Not having a Job. Few may say it is cool/hard/great to be an entrepreneur. But very few actually support it, those who say it, don't let their daughters marry an entrepreneur. I have read/heard/knew about many hurdles an entrepreneur faces, but this was one hurdle, I was not aware off and prepared for, that my decision to be an entrepreneur would make it difficult for me to get married. My mother had warned me before, she even regrets that her husband is an entrepreneur as they had to face difficult times initially. But out of my entrepreneurial spirit, I totally ignored her. Sadly, everyone wants easy certain life, nobody is willing to sacrifice todays luxury in order to fulfill tomorrow's dreams. I really can't accept that somebody ordinary who has studied Engineering from an unknown college, ends up in Bangalore, in a known company (say Infosys) after a few job hops is considered to be successful and better than me. That's how unfair the world is
  • Being with Parents. We all want Parents to give birth to us, raise us, give us money and their property. But we don't want to spend time with them, take care of them in their later days. It is considered a burden to live with parents, and will hamper the couple's freedom
As days went ahead, all our self confidence came rushing down. Parents were worried, if they find it so difficult to get me married, they will have to start the process and endure all this for my younger brother too. My mother particularly used to curse, "during our times when I was a girl, boys used to chose girls. Now, when it is time to get my sons married, girls are choosing boys." I used online matrimonial sites like,, used to attend a few events that help people get married in our community. It was mostly my profile getting rejected before they even saw me or spoke to me. Oddly for 2 profiles, where I got to see the girl and talk to her, I rejected them because for one was too timid and our interests/lifestyle didn't match, for other was applying conditions that were too many for me.

Finally (I didn't know at that time that this would be final), I got to see Suprabha on 6th February 2011 at Shree Bharathi College, Nanthoor, Mangalore. I generally go to meet any girl with full preparation just like we prepare ourselves for an interview. Here preparation isn't to be looked down upon. It is an exercise where we understand about ourselves better, think through the kind of match we want. What I have to offer her in my life, what I expect from her, how we plan to lead life together. What are the points that I need to note about her when we meet. What are the questions to be asked to open herself and get to know more about her. Also, get to know more about her before I even meet her, through references and facebooks. At the same time, open myself to her and let her find out about me, let her evaluate if I am her suitable match.

While I came with so much of preparation, she also came with full preparation, not to see me but for her close friends' engagement that afternoon. I greeted her and her mother with smile and hello, while she gave me a grin face for having come in between her and her friends' engagement. We spoke for some time as a family, father, mother and I from my side, her mother and she from her side. Then I got to talk to her personally not too far away from our parents. They couldn't hear us talk but they could see our body language and lip movement fully. It bothered me initially but once I started talking to her, I completely forgot the environment.

I started off talking about the college campus that was full of trees to get to know her taste, whether she likes movies, malls, glitz and glamour or nature, greenery, peace and tranquility. I found that she likes both. With respect to education and career, she had done her MCA and planned to do her Pd.D and get into teaching profession. So, I asked about her academic project she is presently doing in her final semister MCA. As I asked a couple of questions, I could sense that it was not her cup of tea. She later (after getting engaged) told me that she had done her MCA just for the sake of a masters degree and thereby get a better husband :-). Her real aim in life is to be a great mother for her kids, supporting and caring wife and a family member. Though she didn't take academics seriously, she wanted her husband to be dedicated towards his work. I told her (really meant when I told) she is free to take up any career she wants, either get into teaching, be a housewife or work on our business. I believe, one will be happy and successful when one does what he wants. There is no profession that is better than all others. I do the same, let it be the same with my wife and children too.

I told her about the constraints I live with (the 3 mentioned above). She didn't feel they were constraints to her, in fact that was what she liked. She was clear that she wanted to live a life of luxury with own land, house, cars, jewelry and assets. She wanted to travel the world, eat and experience everything. Many would say I would like to lead a simple middle class life without really meaning it.

Before getting to meet her, we tried to match each others' horoscopes and they didn't match enough. I asked her opinion about those horoscopes, she gave an ambiguous reply saying it doesn't matter to her but her grand mother is concerned about it and she has to respect her grand mothers opinion. I don't like my partner to be dumb, just be a Yes Yes kind, without having her own opinion about anything. Until here, I thought she was Yes Yes kind of a girl, but then she made me realize she has her own opinions. I observed that she had good emotional quotient (EQ) that was a must have for my wife. I trained myself on the Intelligence Quotient (IQ) part but not enough on the EQ part.

While I asked so many things about her, I told her about me before even she could ask me explicitly as I thought girls would be shy in their first interaction. I told about my strengths and weakness, interests and hobbies, likes and dislikes, what my dreams and aspirations were, what my way of life was going to be, what kind of a girl I like to partner with. Also, separated the points into must have, negotiable and don't mind category. Thanks to my preparation, I could deliver these points in a little time without boring her. I wasn't nervous because all the time I was thinking about her and our match, not about me, how I appeared/appealed.

After talking to her for say 15 minutes, I stopped as I sensed it may get repetitive. I saw that she went back to her mother happy and sensed that she was narrating the whole conversation word to word. I as usual was emotionless. After 8 months of struggle, I took nothing for granted, allowed luck/horoscope/her decision to take its own course. I sensed that she was a lovely lady and wished I could marry her. Very next day went to a Jyothishya and sorted out the mismatches in the horoscope and asked us to perform a few pujas to set it right. She thought long and hard, was extremely confused and then accepted subject to a couple of conditions. I didn't think they were very serious conditions for me and accepted them. I had to reiterate some of the points I mentioned during our first meeting as she was not sure whether I really meant what I said.

And now here we have celebrated out 2nd wedding anniversary on June 10th. Been trying and will continue to try to take the marriage process further ?:-)